Wednesday, January 19 started out like any day. My alarm went off and I begged for "just five more minutes". But alas, my Piper was coming and I needed to get up to meet her. So out of bed I went, brushed my teeth, threw on some sweatpants, and headed downstairs. Amy dropped sweet Piper off and we had a great morning. We spent lots of time making Play-Doh cakes and coloring, then went down to the basement for some reading and goofing off. We had a fabulous morning all around. Sophia and Piper were both in great moods and that put me in a great mood as well. Not to mention we were actually getting some decent weather and the sun was shining!
Around noon I set about prepping lunch. We had an overabundance of leftovers so I put them all out and let the girls pick. Sophia picked pizza (big shocker) and Piper picked goulash (which actually was a shocker). Sophia scarfed down her food and asked for more. Piper took her time and ate very little, but did actually eat something without serious prompting, which was an accomplishment around here. Since Sophia was still eating and Piper was done, I left Sophia at the table to take Piper up to bed. After a diaper change and a few cuddles she was settled in for her nap. I went back downstairs to find Sophia done eating. I cleaned her up, put the leftovers away, and took her up for her nap. For some reason, this day she insisted on sleeping in my bed. Usually I'm pretty strict about sleeping in her own room, but one day wouldn't hurt, right?!
The moment I left Sophia in our room my life changed forever. As usual, I poked my head into Piper's room to check and make sure she was asleep, or at least on her way there. She was laying at an odd angle so I went up for a closer look. I spotted some leftover food in her bed as I got closer and actually started to scold her for it. That's when I realized she didn't look right. I instantly called her name and picked her up only to find she was completely limp. Not limp like a toddler trying to get out of something, but absolutely limp, nothing to her. I immediately ran downstairs to call 911 and start CPR. I cleared her mouth (and found more food), did two breaths, and dialed 911 while starting chest compressions. My girl was not breathing and had no heartbeat that I could find. I know it didn't, but it felt like the dispatcher was taking forever with his questions. He helped walk me through the CPR that I had already started and before I knew it the ambulance was here. Somehow I managed to keep my composure through this all (or at least I thought so). The paramedic told me to follow him to the ambulance, but Sophia was still upstairs! So I ran upstairs to get her and by the time I came back down a police officer was in the house waiting for me. After explaining that she wasn't my daughter he told me to call her parents and send them to Methodist West and sent the ambulance on. I have to say that phone call was one of the absolute hardest things I've ever done in my life. Having to tell Amy that there was an emergency and to head to the hospital was unbearable.
After the call was made (and a call to Brad as well) I sat down with the officer to give my "statement". That's when I lost it. Seriously, lost it. If you know me at all you know I am not an emotional person, but I sobbed and begged for this poor officer to tell me she was going to be okay. Once he got me semi calmed down I attempted to tell him the story. The poor guy had to keep reminding me to calm down and breath. I think he honestly thought I'd be getting my own ambulance ride as crazy as I was. He was kind enough (or worried enough) to stay with me until Brad got home, at which point we dressed Sophia and headed downtown as the ambulance had been re-routed to Blank.
Upon arrival at the hospital we went immediately back to find Michael and Amy. Nurses swarmed me, it felt like, to try to get information about what was going on. They had managed to get Piper's heart going again either in the ambulance or at the hospital, but she wasn't breathing on her own and was on a ventilator. They would soon take her for a CT scan to see what was going on with her brain. Little Piper was fighting to breath on her own, though, so we were still holding onto some hope. Unfortunately, the CT scan showed swelling in her brain and after a very frank and unenthusiastic prognosis from the doctor we all sort of deflated. I did get to go in and see my little Piper and was amazed at how much better she looked than when she left the house despite being so sick.
Around dinner time Brad and I decided we needed to get Sophia home and headed out. I was still an emotional wreck, but was managing to hold myself together for the most part. That night we got the unbelievable call that Piper had stopped attempting to breath on her own and they felt she was likely brain dead. Brad and I didn't sleep much that night, of course, and once Sophia was up Thursday morning we called in a favor and took her to a friends house in order to head back down to the hospital. Two separate specialists came in for evaluations and confirmed that our little girl was gone. Her parents made the amazing decision to donate her organs and interviews were started for that. At 10:40 on Thursday, January 20 Piper was officially pronounced deceased.
I had to give one final statement to the medical examiner, but once that was over Brad and I started the slow trip home with heavy hearts knowing we would have to tell Sophia her best friend in the world was gone. Not one to cut us any slack, Sophia asked the minute she was in the car where Piper was and when she was coming back to play. For a second day in a row I faced one of the most difficult moments of my life. We explained to Sophia that Piper had gotten very sick very suddenly and even though the hospital did everything they could, she had to go to Heaven. She immediately started crying and asking for her to come back and all I could do was hug her strapped into her carseat and try to comfort her. We reminded her that Papa (my dad) would be there to take care of Piper and that she could now take care of Sophia's fishy that we had to send to Heaven this spring, but none of that brings a whole lot of comfort when you lose your best friend.
Sophia has continued to ask almost daily for Piper to come back and has started to act out with temper tantrums and some episodes of hitting me, but overall she is taking it extremely well. We both have had our crying spells and have both asked for her to come back, but we both know that can't happen.
On Thursday of last week our Pastor gave an amazing service for Piper's funeral. I thought my dad's funeral was hard, but it was NOTHING compared to this. I couldn't bring myself to go to the burial, but was told it was lovely. I think in the spring, when things look hopeful and fresh, Sophia and I will take a trip out there. Maybe we will blow bubbles for Piper the way we do for Papa.
As of now we are all coping and managing to somehow find our way through. The hardest part for me has been the amazing amount of guilt I feel. Michael and Amy trusted me to keep Piper safe and healthy and I feel I failed them. Not only that, but even my training in CPR couldn't save her. I know they don't blame me, they've told me so, but I still struggle with this guilt. I've also been told its perfectly normal. The problem is, I don't know anyone else in this situation so how do I know its normal?! Each day the guilt has lessened and I am coming to terms with the fact that I did everything I could for her, but I am not sure it will ever completely go away. The hardest part, honestly, is feeling the raw pain of Sophia every time she asks for Piper. I've felt hurt for my baby before, but never anything like this! I know in the end she will go on to make new best friends, but to know such loss at such a young age just doesn't seem fair for her.
The last two weeks have been a struggle, to say the least, but they have also shown me how many very dear friends we have out there. The offers of love, support, and prayers have been innumerable. If we learn nothing else from this tragedy it is that we need to hug our babies close each day and appreciate each and every moment we have with them because we truly never know how long we will have.
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| Piper Jean, we love you and miss you! |
1 comment:
LuCinda~ you are a wonderful person, mother and friend. Always remember that! We love you!
Alison
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